The moment your child is born, you begin the life long process of letting go.

Letting go of any preconceived notions of what motherhood is all about
Letting go of the woman you were before and embracing the new person you have or will become
Letting go of the idea of perfection and knowing that your best IS good enough
Letting go of any ‘silver bullet’ strategies of raising a child and understanding that every stage in life from 1 to 100 is a phase
Letting go of your ego and taking a moment to laugh at yourself
Letting go of vanity and welcoming confidence instead
Letting go of personal criticisms and comparison to other mothers (even your own)
Letting go of labels such as soccer mom, working mom, stay at home mom and simply enjoy being "insert your child's name here" mom.
Letting go of creating these ‘special’ moments and enjoy celebrating the ‘everyday’ moments
Letting go of your own dreams for your child and supporting and strengthening their dreams instead
Letting go of any anger, sadness, or disappointment and instead giving your unconditional love, acceptance, and forgiveness.
Letting go when you/they least expect it and showing your/their trust matters
Letting go of the need to feel in control with the veil of protection in mind
Letting go and trusting the lessons you’ve taught your child will guide them through
Letting go out of love with the hope they will make it through without you
Letting go and hoping/praying they will return no matter where their journey takes them

And sometimes…
Letting go because you were given no other choice

Today I celebrate ALL women who have given themselves in the nurturing and growth of others. Happy Mother’s Day to all of you!

"Secure your own mask before helping others". How often have we heard that pre-flight message? I read a recent blog post that Weight Watchers refers to this quote as a reminder that you must take of yourself before you can take of others. It seems like a simple message to put into action, but so much more difficult to put into practice.

As a career-minded woman and a devoted wife and mother, I often find myself without my mask on. It’s not until my body physically rejects the sleepless nights, poor dietary and fitness habits that I am reminded of how important this safety message becomes.

I’ve made a conscious effort recently to take care of me. This sometimes means putting myself in uncomfortable situations, one that goes against the grain of my being. Whether it’s a friend in need or a co-worker who needs support, if it comes at a time where chaos prevails in my own life then stability for myself becomes a priority. This also means spending more solo time decompressing and less time socializing. This year is about a renewed focus on quality and not quantity. Hence, my earlier post about ‘depth’.

This is a new journey for me, and of course, the useless feeling of guilt often rears its ugly head. It’s a fine balance to be good to one’s self at the cost of hurting others. It even seems selfish to write, but take it from me…your body and spirit will thank you for it.

Oh, and a glass of wine never hurts either.

Oh, the “etch-a-sketch” of life, or at least, that’s what New Year’s resolutions feel like to me. As someone who has made resolutions in the past, it seems hypocritical to denounce them now. Therefore, I won’t. Instead, I’ll continue with my own unique way of kicking off a new year. It is my personal message to the universe. My hopes and wishes for the year to come - encapsulated in just one word*.

Call it the power of positive thinking or the act of self-realization. It is a tool that has guided me for over a decade. The first year was purely for fun. But, over time, it has become more intentional and purposeful in nature. The first step is to understand what the year has install even knowing that things often change, and will. The second step is to understand its intent. Is there a goal to be achieved? A hope or wish to fulfill? Once all those answers are factored, the last step is to find a word that best initiates it into action.

I’ve asked myself these questions and the word that continues to surface (ironically) for 2012 is DEPTH.

Depth in conversation
Depth in relationships
Depth in thinking
Depth of understanding
Depth of knowledge
Depth of experience
Depth through meaning
Depth through focus

It is a theme that has been present in my life for the past few months. It is the right word, at the right time.

What’s your word?

In a recent TED video, Eve Ensler said, “there is a huge responsibility that comes with connection”. This quote struck me to the core, for it is this burden of responsibility and power of connection that has carried me through life.

My innate ability to connect with people was a gift my mother passed on. Her genuine desire to meet people without judgment or motivation taught me at a young age the importance of connection. Unfortunately, my frail minded youth twisted this sentiment into people pleasing. Call it the perfect child, the peacemaker, or the straight A student syndrome. What drove me for a long time was the happiness of others.

Science states that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. By this definition, a people pleaser gives everything of him or her self, and in response, expects nothing in return. It sounds noble to say. But in action, it is an exhausting way to live. It took me decades to realize that there is a subtle difference between making others happy at the cost of one’s self versus being happy with one’s self and attracting others.

More simply put, a people pleaser feels like they have no choice, while a non-people pleaser has a choice, but may choose the same outcome.

Knowing this difference has been liberating. This shift in responsibility holds me accountable for my actions. Also knowing that you can influence your life by simply changing how you look at it is an empowering way to live.

My daughter’s imagination has always been a source of amusement. But today, she took me along a different journey, one that I will never forget and a source of inspiration for today’s post.

This afternoon as I started to doze off on the couch, Leila put a blanket over me and asked, ‘baby, do you want to go to sleep?” Immediately, I knew that our roles were reversed, so I responded, “Yes, mommy.” For half an hour, I played along. It was entertaining being fed, soothed, read to, and tucked in. There’s something about acting, even in the confines of our home, I find quite therapeutic.

After she woke me up from my pretend sleep, she told me that she was off to work. This took me a little by surprise, because I didn’t realize that she was committing to this beyond the baby talk. Trying to stay in the moment I asked, “what do you do at work mommy?” She replied, “meetings, lots of meetings.” Followed by, “sometimes, I go grocery shopping after my meeting.” It took all of my will power not to laugh out loud.

This continued on, but after a while, I was growing weary of the role-playing. I told Leila, “Mommy wants to play another game.” That is when she put both of her hands on my face, and said, “Okay baby, but you are growing up too fast. Mommy loves you.” Tears ran down my cheek and we held each other. It was one of my favorite moments to date. I share this not for the saccharin sweet quality of the moment shared, but to remind us all of what our children choose to remember and how they view us in the process.

First of all, my daughter just summarized my entire career in one word, meetings. Right or wrong, through my words or actions, she clearly believes that is what I do. Starting today, I will no longer assume that my daughter is too young to hear about details of my day. She will know that her mother is not just going to meetings, but is doing something she loves and finds fulfillment in. More importantly, it is something worth being away from her five days a week. It saddens me to think that she would grow up believing that ‘meetings’ are equal to the value of my time without her. This lesson in itself will bring a whole new level of communication between us.

On the other side of this spectrum, she has reassured me that she hears me. Listening to my 3 year-old mirror my own words back shows just how much our children absorb and observe.

The journey of parenthood is a reflection of everything we are, if only we are willing to listen.

Joy Luck Club is one of my favorite movies. The parable of the swan feather and the immigrant mother, who dreams of raising her daughter amid the bountiful opportunities of the new country, is a life that mirrors my own.

For those who have never read the book or seen the movie, the parable tells the tale of a Chinese woman who decides to immigrate to America. Before she leaves Shanghai, the woman buys a swan from a vendor. This vendor tells her that the bird was once a duck. In an attempt to become a goose, the duck stretched its neck so far that it became a swan, exceeding its own hopes for itself. As the woman sails to America, she dreams of raising a daughter amid the plentiful opportunities of the new country. She imagines that her American-born daughter will resemble her in every way, except that, unlike her mother, she will be judged according to her own worth, not by that of a husband. Like the swan, the daughter will exceed all hopes, so the woman plans to give her daughter the swan as a gift. Yet, when the woman arrives in America, the immigration officials seize the swan and leave the woman with nothing but a feather. The daughter is born and grows up to be the strong, happy woman her mother had imagined. The woman still wishes to present the feather to her daughter and to explain its symbolic meaning, but for many years she holds back. She is still waiting “for the day she could [explain it] in perfect American English.

This story had such a tremendous impact on my life. It was the first time someone had articulated the emotional weight a child feels coming from an immigrant family. My mother’s sacrifices lay as a blueprint for my life. Her hopes and dreams had become an extension of my own. As a dutiful daughter, it was my honor and goal to make her proud. Every day, my mother would express just that and for a long time, it was my personal measure of acceptance and worth.

It was my sophomore year in college when the trajectory of my life changed. My major was Computer Science, it was after all, a degree that would land me a high paying job and seemed like a logical choice for someone who excelled in math and engineering. The problem was it wasn’t the life I wanted to live. Every time a student passed by me in the halls with their art box and drawing pad in hand, my heart would sink. Art has always been my true passion, but changing degrees mid-stream seemed unthinkable. My parents have always complimented me on my artistic abilities. They just didn't see it as a viable career option. The term ‘starving artist’ comes to mind. Ironically, it is my creativity and love of the arts that has influenced my professional career the most.

Despite all this, I changed my major anyway. Predictably, my mother was disappointed and seemed surprised by this uncharacteristic move. I doubt my mother knew just how profound this decision would be for me. Especially since, her love, support and pride for me never wavered. A true testament of what unconditional love is all about.

If you asked me today what gave me the courage to make this decision, it would be difficult to give you a singular answer. In hindsight, I could say it was a bi-product of a spiritual journey or an act of rebelliousness in response to an overwhelming desire to live my own life. Looking back, I realize this wasn’t about a college degree or disappointing someone I loved, it is about having the courage to stand for something I believed in and being able to live with the consequences of the outcome.

This act of brevity, although trivial in comparison to some, is an important lesson in my life. It is a lesson I will proudly pass on to Leila, so that she can find happiness and success by following her heart and listening to the passions that lie within.

There’s something that people don’t tell you when you become a first time parent. You hear from everyone about how tough it is the first year. You prepare yourself for the unknowns and hope for the best.

Three years later, my husband and I admit that we miss the relationship we had before Leila was born. We reminisce about our road trips, spontaneous getaways, and the days we did absolutely nothing. Although, we wouldn’t trade what we have today for anything else in this world, I dedicate this poem to us and all the many couples who feel the same way.

I miss [us]
You know, the you and me
The two before the three
The way we were together

You see, one day
You come home to find
Your arms reach for your child’s
Our partner becomes second
In sight and mind

So you fight this plight
And go on a date night
To connect as you did once more
But truth be told
As life unfolds
You miss the way it was before

And although we know
Our child will maximize
And bring to size
The love that we both share
What is certain and true
And what they don’t tell you
Is the [us] always begins anew

Today I’m here to reminisce
About the way we used to be
And to say that it’s okay
To miss each other in every way

For a long time, I held this stereotypical, but limiting view of the executive woman. The one identified by her perceived masculine traits - the hard as nails, aggressive, tight-lipped woman, who always put her career above everything else. This view is reinforced in movies such as Working Girl, The Ugly Truth, The Proposal, and most recently, the Devils Wear Prada. It’s no wonder why statistics show that women give up their careers earlier then men, especially after becoming a parent.

In the 60s, there was a common buzz phrase, "You've got to be better than a man to get ahead." What is powerful and unfortunate about this statement is NOT that we have to be better than a man, but the underlying message that we have to be anything other than ourselves. As someone who strives to be authentic in every way, this is a hard pill to swallow.

This idea of feminine traits leading to success fascinates me. Parents will agree that we sometimes use gender to describe why our kids act a certain way. Boys are more hyper and athletic than girls. Girls are more emotional and sensitive than boys. Even though there are exceptions to every rule, there is truth to biology. What I find most interesting about this point is the question, "when do gender based descriptions become limiting characteristics for success?" Whatever the answer is, I hope that one day it no longer matters.

Ironically, if we look at the world today and observe technology’s impact on society, it is clear that women have an opportunity to excel unlike any other time before. Technology is building bridges, rallying people across the globe, and forcing us to think altruistically. Women are naturally geared towards being the connectors and integrators of society, our natural ability to nurture, empathize, and foster an environment of open dialogue, is the feminine mystique personified in a global way.

This entry is not about feminism or blame. It is a reminder of yet another self-imposed limit we put on ourselves. It is also about overcoming the fear of being who we are and the comfort in knowing that recognition and reward will follow.

How many of us have listened to someone we love or observed a stranger and thought, “how can this person NOT see what I see?” Eventually, we resign to the idea that this person is clueless or likely to repeat the same mistake over and over again. Even worse, we become frustrated or judgmental in their presence. However, if we stopped for a moment to realize that this may not be their lesson to learn, but ours, we may end up accelerating our own growth in the process.

Looking back on some of the more difficult times in my life, I realized that when survival instincts kick in, the introspective side of me takes a back seat. It is almost impossible to see that moment as a life lesson being realized. Instead, I view the lessons in retrospect, allowing time to assess things at my own pace.

On the other hand, when we are connecting with people in deep and meaningful ways, lessons are revealed instantaneously. In my role as leader and mentor in the workplace, this truth has become even more evident. By taking the time to understand each others differences, while valuing the strengths and contributions that each person makes, you open the doors to observational growth. The notion that you have to experience things for yourself to grow seems limiting. Why not view the people around you as a toolkit for success.

It has also been sobering for me to filter my relationships with family, friends, and acquaintences with these lens, that is, that growth is reciprocal. If a relationship is one where I am feeling burdened or drained, while the other person is feeling energized and always wanting more. Then, I know that the relationship needs to fundamentally change. This is not about the seasonality of relationships where a listening ear or a shoulder to cry on is always welcomed. This is about a mutual understanding that relationships should not be one sided or stagnant. Unfortunately, it could also mean that some relationships have run its course. Although endings are never easy to face, acknowledging that this lesson is yours to learn and not theirs, make its all that much easier to contemplate.

When we are young, the rawness of each new experience brings with it some of our greatest joys, but also some of our deepest pains. These experiences shape us and teach us the power of learning. As we get older, things become more familiar and life lessons start to feel fewer and farther in between. If we thought about lessons in a different way, we immediately become a conduit for growth and the power of learning through others is revealed.

I cohosted a baby shower today. We decided to give our guest of honor a group gift of an apple tree, a symbol of luck and love. Below is the poem I wrote in celebration of this day.


The Tree of Life
 
In the heart of an apple
Is a promise of a tree
Its seed ready to take root
On solid ground
Waiting to fulfill its purpose
 
Mother nature smiles
For she knows that many things
Are needed to make her seedling grow
Like the warmth of her sun
The nourishment of her soil
The replenishment of her rain
 
But wisdom states, it takes more
Than just the light and earth
To shape and mold
The strength and resiliency
Of this newly formed sprout
 
With patient hands and nurturing soul
You tend to weeds that threaten
You fertilize and prune to size
The sinewy branches to strengthen
 
Then one day these roots take hold
Her limbs reach for the sky
Standing tall and proud to know
One day she'll bare her own

We toast with you this tree of life
An orchard in the making
This journey of seasons has begun
And makes it all worth waiting